May is a month dedicated for mothers on different spectrums. Not known to many, one week before Mother’s Day is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. These two dates are so close yet they bring such jarring emotions to many women.
As an angel mom who had to cremate her stillborn daughter a few months back, I only wished to celebrate one of the days. But now I full understand and taste the feeling of immense pain and true happiness in one single event in my life.
But through my pain, I have my eyes and heart opened to what I was oblivious to before. As I once celebrated my pregnancy with social media posts and happy conversations before with no care, I have come to realise that there are different types of mothers and through my own experience developed a strong sense of empathy towards them.
There are mothers with living kids. But there are also mothers who have lost a child, mothers who had their children taken away from them, and women who long to (but struggle to) become mothers.
They are everywhere- they may be your sister, your cousin, your best friend, your colleague, your mother, or your neighbour. You don’t know because their pain and grief are silent.
It is a hard subject to broach not only because it is so personal, but also because people don’t know how to receive such news in a way that would not bring about more pain.
So today, I decided to lend my voice for those mothers (and maybe Angel dads too) and hopefully shed a little bit more light on pregnancy loss because it can happen to anyone and it happens more often than you think.
I also hope all of you who read this can walk away with, and to also speak for other angel moms and angel dads who could benefit from people being more empathetic and considerate.
- Don’t ask people about their pregnancy plans. Don’t ask them if they are going to have kids or when are they going to have kids. There are people struggling with infertility or losses. Asking them adds pressure and sometimes it can be painful to answer.
- Don’t tell them to ‘get over it’, or say things like ‘it’s okay you can always have another child’. You can’t replace a lost child/life. Saying that would be asking these women to shrug off the pregnancy they’ve had and the life they carried.
- Be kind to everyone. Everyone has their own battles they are fighting that you don’t know of. Social media doesn’t paint the full picture of someone’s life. There are sides and details that people choose to keep private.
- Don’t say things to imply that it is the mother’s fault. I still struggle from time to time with self blame on what happened even though logically or medically, I know there was nothing I could have done. But it is there, so please don’t tell moms that maybe they “didn’t rest enough”, “they were too stressed”, “they didn’t eat enough vitamins” etc. All these point to blame.
- If you know someone who has gone through pregnancy loss or infertility, don’t ask out of pointless curiosity and for gossip/fodder. Ask only if you truly care. Or sometimes, you don’t need to ask at all. Also respect that people may not want to share everything or any information at all. You let them share how much they want to share and who they want to share with.
- Companies can do more. Someone told me when she lost her baby at 3 months, she lied to her company that she sprained her ankle because she didn’t know how to cite the real reason for medical leave and if they would understand. If you are a boss/manager/team leader etc, the women in your office may not just be worried about the gender pay gap or glass ceiling, she maybe facing fertility issues or have just lost a child. There isn’t a company manual of how to support an employee on pregnancy loss. But I believe if you go about it with heart, with the right intentions, it will lead to the best actions.
- Pregnancy loss affects husbands/boyfriends too. Please don’t forget that next time you ask how the mother is doing. Also a lot of times, women need their partners by their side during the hardest times. Two weeks paternity leave is not enough.
- Lastly, if there are any angel parents amongst you, you are not alone. I’m sending you my love and prayer.
You can follow me on @theguzstuff if you want to reach out to me.
The Confluence Of Life 